titanscience | Seasons inbox

[...]

[Whether it ends up being trivial or not, whether they seriously think about testing it or not, Hange can hardly do it now that Levi is specifically asking them not to, can they?]

[Because they've already done that once before. Told him to just let them go and die, and although necessary it really was the shittiest thing imaginable. Honestly, the thought of doing it again just to pop up again a day or two later feels like rubbing salt into a wound that is slow to heal.]

...I won't do it. I won't die again, not if I can help it.

[A 'trivial' death is still a death. That knot in Hange's stomach that appeared upon hearing about Jean's demise still present as a reminder of that reality. Not if I can help it. Too conditioned to expect the worse, who knows what the future will bring.]

...But you have to promise me the same, Levi. Don't go getting yourself killed, and especially not on purpose. If you do, I might die for real..

[ He lets out a breath he may have been holding, feeling something like relief wash over him even though he hadn't properly registered the anxiety clenching his windpipe until then. He swallows. Nods. Alright. They're good. ]

[ Oh, but it seems that Hange has a request for him in return. ]

[ And he really wants to say, "When have I ever died on you?" But then he realizes that it must have felt just like it for them when they found him on that riverbank. He would have died there if it wasn't for Hange, he's sure of it, they gripped him tight and ~~raised him from perdition~~ clawed both of their way out of death. ]

[ He also thinks of that time they don't know about, hours before he was blown up to near extinction, when he closed his eyes and entertained the thought of dying in the hands (and mouths) of his former squad, wondering if it would finally make the sacrifices stop, make the pain stop, but he wasn't free to go just yet, and so he didn't. ]

[ He thinks about all of that and he knows he owes them the same thing. ]

...I won't get myself killed. [ He repeats the words to them, promising, his voice just a hint raspier than usual as if he'd just woken up, or been through an emotional wringer of some sort. He has things to live for again, here, and that's not even counting what he still had back home, too -- the debt to their fallen friends to live the world they didn't get to see. He wonders if Hange knows that, if they can read it from his expression the way they effortlessly do so often he's starting to suspect they can read his mind, sometimes. ] Not if I can help it.

[Now it's Hange's turn to let out a breath of relief. They had no expectation that Levi was about to go out there alone and do something dangerous (haha we will revisit this in a few weeks) but it's still nice to hear. Really nice to hear. An extra sense of security that people like them are not often afforded.]

[But there's more to it than simply repeating the words back. Levi means it too, truly. Hange can tell by the way his voice takes on a particular tone, the way his gaze is focused towards a spot on the wall and not at them. Signs that you are able to pick up on after a decade, that your friend has many more thoughts racing through his mind other than the few he is speaking aloud.]

Then we've got a deal. And if either of us break it, there'll be hell to pay. Got it?

[It's a promise.]

[ A sense of security that people like them could not be afforded. Back home, that is. Here? Now? Perhaps they can. Perhaps they could get used to this. ]

[ (Probably not Levi, though. Expecting the worst is just too ingrained in him at this point.) ]

[ There's something like a ghost of a smile flashing through his face for a moment, before his gaze returns to Hange again. He may be lacking in a lot of social areas, but he actually knows how to handle deals, even if this is much less extortionist in nature than usual. ]

[ So yes, he's extending a hand to shake on it, seal the deal, confirm that they both agree to not fucking die. ]

Got it.

[Hange stares at the hand offered them until the finally catch on, letting out an amused huff as they hold out a hand in return. The handshake seals the down, now the two of them are legally and morally obligated not to die!]

I mean it, you know! You don't get to be rid of me that easily.

[You think Hange won't snatch you from death's claws and drag you back for a SECOND time? Though apparently it's considerably easier in this world.]

[ Damn right they are. And they'd better not break that obligation! ]

[ He... looks like he maybe wants to say something more. If I wanted that, I'd be going back to Paradis, or maybe, I wish it was harder last time, or maybe I want to spend the rest of my retirement growing peaches with you. ]

[ Instead, he just looks up at Hange once he thinks the shake had lasted long enough, and awkwardly claps them on the shoulder before immediately retreating his hands, gaze on the floor. ]

...good.

[ #nailed it ]

I'll go give him a piece of my mind, then.

[ That's right. Jean is an excellent topic. In fact, he'll be turning to leave now. ]

[For a moment there it looks as though more words were on their way, so the handshake carries on longer than necessary..]

[...But nothing else is said in the end, only a pat on the shoulder, but that's fine. Certainly isn't the first time, and destined not to the last, so Hange won't prod.]

Right. Thinking he can go off and die.. I'm trusting you to get that idea out of his head once and for all.

[ Maybe one of those times they'll manage to decipher it... ]

[ For now, though, there's children to discipline and shins to kick. So Levi just gives them a grunt that's equal parts an acknowledgement and a noise of parting, and walks away. ]

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