titanscience | Seasons inbox

He what? [Oh okay he's brought back, that's better, wait no it isn't:] Wait, what do you mean brought him back?

[Levi seems to have covered the main points of the conversation, those being "Jean dead?" and "Jean not dead?" but there are far too many steps between those two points that appear to have been skipped, too much left unanswered.]

[And of course they'll be grateful that he's back, but what if he hadn't come back? Or how did he come back? Returning doesn't necessarily mean returning unharmed. Dying hurts, both physically and emotionally, and isn't something you just get over.]

..Tell me what happened. Start from the beginning.

[ Levi also thinks that he has covered all the main points, so he just stares sufferingly at Hange -- what do you think I mean? I meant what I just said -- until they give him a clearer instruction. He sighs. ]

[ How far from the beginning should he start?.. ]

...he came to see me when they were leaving. I told him not to die.

[ He'll just... take out his phone and painstakingly navigate back the the messages so that he can show them Jean's text firsthand. ]

He just sent me this today.

[ Which, someone else might say that he's jumping to conclusions, but considering how few words they actually exchanged, there's nothing else he can think of that Jean would feel compelled to apologize to him for. ]

[Hange swipes the phone out of his hands, looking through the messages. Considering that's the beginning of the conversation, and their last conversation had revolved around that topic, Hange also concludes that they are likely connected.]

Idiot! Who does he think he is, ignoring an order like that?

[Oh you're really going to be in it now, Jean-boy! After a quick scroll through it again, Hange hands the phone back.]

But if he messaged you he's obviously alive.. are you saying he was brought back? Kind of how I was?

[ Seriously. Looks like this whole "you're no longer my superiors!" thing really went to the brat's head, huh? (He knows it couldn't have been that simple, but the frustration at the situation has to go somewhere.) ]

Most likely. We know this place is capable of it, at least.

[ But it's not a guarantee. Right? ]

I don't know the details yet. I'm going to talk to him.

[ Or, more like, give him a swift kick in the behind for dying and then maybe offering some kind of support. ]

To think that not even death is permanent in this world..

[Of course people had been summoned here from the dead, but it's different to physically dying here and somehow making it back. Just what goes on in this world?]

You're going to go now, right? I'll come too.

Wait-- no. I want to look into this first.

[Coming back from the dead is a big deal, and something they need to be aware of. Hange wants to find out what they can, to seeif there's any knowledge of it either within the public realm or in the research center. They want to see Jean again of course, but if Levi's already on the way that's punishment enough for the moment. Besides, coming from someone who has experienced death, the conversation may be different.]

Tell me what happens, and give him a warning that I'll be over shortly.

Alright. I will.

[ But he doesn't leave just yet, lingering there by the door awkwardly, some kind of emotion clearly twisting inside him. Hell, for a moment, he almost seems to chew on the inside of his lip, even though his face remains as stoic as ever. ]

[ It still takes a moment for him to voice what is apparently eating at him. ]

...You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?

[ Hange had always been hands-on with their experiments, but surely, surely something involving death would be different, right? They wouldn't do this, right? They wouldn't put Levi through this again?.. ]

Huh? I haven't planned to do anything yet.

[Not even Hange knows what they are going to do, but something as huge as this? They aren't satisfied with letting it be, with simply accepting that the dead are brought back to life without any type of explanation. How it works, who does it, if there are restrictions on the type of death, if there are lasting consequences, they want to know it all.]

[It's not as though Hange is planning to walk out of here and do something drastic off the bat in order to see what happens. But this is also the person who gets far too invested when on a search for truth with little regard for their own safety. The squad leader who had to be forcibly detained and made to rest after five all-nighters and the subordinates couldn't take it anymore. The person who knocked themselves out and wrecked their room when they determined the experiments were too dangerous to be around, so they shut themselves away and locked the door. The person who almost got eaten so many times that it drove poor Moblit to drink away the nightmares...]

[Hands-on doesn't even begin to approach it.]

I want to know how it happens, if that's what you're asking. Maybe I can talk to the guy who brought us here..

[ He shakes his head. That's not exactly what he had in mind. ]

You need to dig into this. I get that. [ It's who they are. He knows them well enough not to get in the way of that. He isn't going to stop them from asking, or even watching others. But. ] I need to know you're not going to test it on yourself, regardless of what you find out.

[ There. He actually said it aloud. He's almost surprised at himself. ]

[ They could lie to him here. Make the promise and then do it anyway. But he'll take that right now. He'll take anything that offers something else than the looming dread of being left alone a second time. ]

[Oh, so that's what this is about.]

[Truth be told Hange hadn't even thought that far ahead yet, still focused on the hows and whys as to what constitutes as acceptable death when it comes to revival. Do you need the body? Is there a time limit on revival? DO you need a witness in order to initiate it? These are all questions that Jean is going to be subjected to later.]

[But also.. testing it on themselves, if they were absolutely certain they would come back from it, it isn't completely outside the realm of possibility is it now? Hange has often shown an alarmingly low lack of interest in the safety of their own life when it came to chasing answers. But being reckless is different to dying. Right? That's a step too far, even for Hange.]

[Unless there was absolutely no other way.]

...I'm not planning to off myself the moment you walk out the door, if that's what you're worrying about. We don't even know yet if returning is guaranteed. Jean could have just been lucky..

[ Yes. That's what this is about. ]

[ He already went through it once. Dealt with it because there was no other choice. But now there are choices, and he doesn't know if he can stand having to do it again. ]

[ He probably can, but he doesn't want to. ]

Exactly. [ It could be luck. It could be a freak accident. It could be that this place actually does make death trivial -- except it never is, because the pain is still real, because you can never know for sure. ] But let me hear you say it.

[ He can stay here all day! ]

[...]

[Whether it ends up being trivial or not, whether they seriously think about testing it or not, Hange can hardly do it now that Levi is specifically asking them not to, can they?]

[Because they've already done that once before. Told him to just let them go and die, and although necessary it really was the shittiest thing imaginable. Honestly, the thought of doing it again just to pop up again a day or two later feels like rubbing salt into a wound that is slow to heal.]

...I won't do it. I won't die again, not if I can help it.

[A 'trivial' death is still a death. That knot in Hange's stomach that appeared upon hearing about Jean's demise still present as a reminder of that reality. Not if I can help it. Too conditioned to expect the worse, who knows what the future will bring.]

...But you have to promise me the same, Levi. Don't go getting yourself killed, and especially not on purpose. If you do, I might die for real..

[ He lets out a breath he may have been holding, feeling something like relief wash over him even though he hadn't properly registered the anxiety clenching his windpipe until then. He swallows. Nods. Alright. They're good. ]

[ Oh, but it seems that Hange has a request for him in return. ]

[ And he really wants to say, "When have I ever died on you?" But then he realizes that it must have felt just like it for them when they found him on that riverbank. He would have died there if it wasn't for Hange, he's sure of it, they gripped him tight and ~~raised him from perdition~~ clawed both of their way out of death. ]

[ He also thinks of that time they don't know about, hours before he was blown up to near extinction, when he closed his eyes and entertained the thought of dying in the hands (and mouths) of his former squad, wondering if it would finally make the sacrifices stop, make the pain stop, but he wasn't free to go just yet, and so he didn't. ]

[ He thinks about all of that and he knows he owes them the same thing. ]

...I won't get myself killed. [ He repeats the words to them, promising, his voice just a hint raspier than usual as if he'd just woken up, or been through an emotional wringer of some sort. He has things to live for again, here, and that's not even counting what he still had back home, too -- the debt to their fallen friends to live the world they didn't get to see. He wonders if Hange knows that, if they can read it from his expression the way they effortlessly do so often he's starting to suspect they can read his mind, sometimes. ] Not if I can help it.

[Now it's Hange's turn to let out a breath of relief. They had no expectation that Levi was about to go out there alone and do something dangerous (haha we will revisit this in a few weeks) but it's still nice to hear. Really nice to hear. An extra sense of security that people like them are not often afforded.]

[But there's more to it than simply repeating the words back. Levi means it too, truly. Hange can tell by the way his voice takes on a particular tone, the way his gaze is focused towards a spot on the wall and not at them. Signs that you are able to pick up on after a decade, that your friend has many more thoughts racing through his mind other than the few he is speaking aloud.]

Then we've got a deal. And if either of us break it, there'll be hell to pay. Got it?

[It's a promise.]

[ A sense of security that people like them could not be afforded. Back home, that is. Here? Now? Perhaps they can. Perhaps they could get used to this. ]

[ (Probably not Levi, though. Expecting the worst is just too ingrained in him at this point.) ]

[ There's something like a ghost of a smile flashing through his face for a moment, before his gaze returns to Hange again. He may be lacking in a lot of social areas, but he actually knows how to handle deals, even if this is much less extortionist in nature than usual. ]

[ So yes, he's extending a hand to shake on it, seal the deal, confirm that they both agree to not fucking die. ]

Got it.

[Hange stares at the hand offered them until the finally catch on, letting out an amused huff as they hold out a hand in return. The handshake seals the down, now the two of them are legally and morally obligated not to die!]

I mean it, you know! You don't get to be rid of me that easily.

[You think Hange won't snatch you from death's claws and drag you back for a SECOND time? Though apparently it's considerably easier in this world.]

[ Damn right they are. And they'd better not break that obligation! ]

[ He... looks like he maybe wants to say something more. If I wanted that, I'd be going back to Paradis, or maybe, I wish it was harder last time, or maybe I want to spend the rest of my retirement growing peaches with you. ]

[ Instead, he just looks up at Hange once he thinks the shake had lasted long enough, and awkwardly claps them on the shoulder before immediately retreating his hands, gaze on the floor. ]

...good.

[ #nailed it ]

I'll go give him a piece of my mind, then.

[ That's right. Jean is an excellent topic. In fact, he'll be turning to leave now. ]

[For a moment there it looks as though more words were on their way, so the handshake carries on longer than necessary..]

[...But nothing else is said in the end, only a pat on the shoulder, but that's fine. Certainly isn't the first time, and destined not to the last, so Hange won't prod.]

Right. Thinking he can go off and die.. I'm trusting you to get that idea out of his head once and for all.

[ Maybe one of those times they'll manage to decipher it... ]

[ For now, though, there's children to discipline and shins to kick. So Levi just gives them a grunt that's equal parts an acknowledgement and a noise of parting, and walks away. ]

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cw for suicides (??) i guess smh

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coming at me personally again i see

i'm in a glass case of emotion

washing out lifelessly into the emocean

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