Hange Zoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
titanscience) wrote2023-05-06 02:34 pm
titanscience) wrote2023-05-06 02:34 pm
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un: hange
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Voice | Video | Text | ErenMail | Action
un: hange
It's Hange! Leave a message!
no subject
The one I tried a few nights ago was different, right? It tasted as though it had a hint of fruit added to it. Not lemon.. something sweeter. It was nice..
[Much of the time the tea simply tastes like tea, but Hange is able to notice differences here and there when there is a particularly unusual flavour. They may not share Levi's interest, but he makes enough for the both of them to enjoy when Hange visits, and they in return have a little stash here on the kitchen counter (taken from Levi's own apartment) so it works out to be a nice little arrangement.]
[Maybe they should get up and make some, Hange thinks, though in the moment they are more occupied with how Eren will take the news.]
Eren told me he doesn't want to go back home, to witness the future that waits for him. And I don't want him to either. But it isn't that simple.. we talked about it last night, he's worried that he only has a couple years left to live, regardless of how long he gets to stay here.
[Hange is overjoyed, they can have a future of any length instead of nothing, but Eren may not be so happy. He seemed to feel as though his fate were doomed either way. Hange lets out a sigh, staring up at the ceiling above them as they continue to ramble their thoughts out loud.]
I suppose you could say I feel a sense of responsibility towards helping him find a way out of it. Not only because he's our Eren, but I thought about our last meeting a lot. It didn't end on good terms, you know? But Eren was right back then, I had no answers to give, no other solutions to offer. Which is why I promised to do my best here.
[It's one of the few things here that Hange has been serious about, between all the goofing off. They'd always been fond of Eren, even after everything that happened. None of it was Eren's fault, not really, it was the product of centuries of hate and oppression and conflict that surmounted into something bigger than all of them. That future may be inevitable, but the thought of this Eren having to go back and live through it honestly just makes them feel sad.]
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It's called "peach".
[ They probably didn't have it on Paradis! At least, Levi probably didn't have it. But it smelled nice in the tea, so he took the risk. ]
Sounds like he's been more open with you than me.
[ He shares that sense of responsibility, though, if in a slightly different way. He'd never been the one who promised answers or solutions, not unless it was just a copious amount of violence. But there's no doubt in his mind that he contributed to things ending up the way they did all the same. ]
[ It's almost funny, really. All these years have passed, they've literally ended up in a different world, and yet they're still struggling with some of the same questions. He doubts they can think of solutions for back home at this point -- it doesn't matter, it already happened -- but perhaps it is still an option here. ]
[ And this place follows a whole different set of rules, doesn't it? ]
You know... this place. Magic. The people here. [ The words feel stiff between his teeth, but he forces himself to put one after another anyway. ] Some are capable of things I never considered real. [ Vampires. Fairies. Telepaths. Segment leaders changing entire landscapes with a wave of their hands. ] Something or someone might actually be able to-- I don't know, extract that whole curse from him, right? [ They could even ask on the network. They know how to use it and haven't been attacked by monkeys when they did, right? ]
[ The real question is, would Eren agree to something like that? He must feel quite ingrained with his powers now. Perhaps it would feel like sawing off your own arm. But then, if he really didn't want to go back to his future, would it not be a fair exchange? And if he refused, would that not mean that he wasn't quite willing to cast that future away completely, wanting at least an option to make it happen, "just in case"? Too many unknowns and what-ifs, even assuming they can actually find something or someone who might be able to do something about it. ]
[ What a pain. Why is it always like this? ]
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It isn't as easy for everyone to understand you like I do. Besides, I like to keep asking until I get my way. Eren probably answered because he got annoyed with me.
[Hange knows that Levi cares an incredible amount for all of them here, but he doesn't always show it. It's very much a 'tough love' approach a lot of the time, and a lot of the recruits seemed to idolize him, they always did, so maybe that too placed a little barrier between them. Hange can imagine that it may still be difficult for the two of them to approach more personal subjects, for Levi and Eren both, despite the fact that they live together. Not like Hange, who asks and asks and asks and will try from all different angles until they get some type of response.]
[Levi does have a point though, with all that happens in this world, the types of people brought in, they cannot dismiss it.]
I was wondering that too.. like how it works exactly, bringing someone from the dead? If they have 'magic' to do that, how is it determined? Would it be possible to find whatever it is that places a time limit on those who gain Titan powers? Could they remove it?
[It's something Hange put thought into in the past, but a lack of both time and technology meant it was an avenue left unexplored.]
The common denominator between them all is the use of spinal fluid, right? My best guess was that it's something within that, that slowly poisons the body over time.. it's a pity we don't have an accurate account of someone who died without getting eaten, it could give us clues..
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...
[ They're probably right on that. It's not like he tries to be hard to understand. He's doing his best, really! But it just... doesn't seem to be enough, most times. He's grateful for Hange whenever they manage to avert some socio-emotional disaster by just explaining what he had in mind with words that he somehow couldn't conjure up himself. Funny that. ]
I don't know. But it's not impossible.
[ He's seen some wild shit during his short time here. ]
Maybe. Or it just wears out. All that power doesn't come out of thin air, right? We've seen Eren get nosebleeds after transforming too much. It's clearly taxing. We haven't actually seen how they look shortly before the time is up, either.
[ Would they just crumble randomly once the thirteen years mark was up, or was it a gradual process of some sort? ]
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Let's ask him about it. Maybe he knows more than we do.. there's a lot he didn't talk about it the last couple of years..
[This is less about what he had been planning, but more about everything else. There is the possibility that Eren knew more about the titan powers than he mentioned, or perhaps he knows specifically the steps to their demise and never thought to mention it seeing as it is deemed inevitable.]
[Asking also means that the two of them can easily slide into the 'find a way to let you live past the thirteen years' thing that they have going here. Hange is certain that Eren would be up for trying, but it is his life after all so it wouldn't do to go behind his back on such an important matter. He needs to be involved!]
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[ He kind of feels like resting his eyes for a moment, but the dirty plate offends him, so he sighs, gets up, and brings it into the kitchen to wash. ]
Maybe you'll have better luck with him than I do.
[ Maybe you should lead by example if you want anyone to open up to you, Levi... ]
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I'll ask him about it. Maybe after the experiments, we'll see. If not, I'll leave it for another day.
[They won't get anything out of him if they push it too hard. Better to take a gentler approach. Though, speaking of...]
...You're the one who lives with him, though. You have many more opportunities to talk to him than I do.
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Sounds good.
[ ... ]
[ Yeah, about that. ]
...We don't really talk much.
[ What a shocker. Maybe he should make more of an effort... but honestly it seems easier to just invite Hange over instead and let them do the talking, so whatever. ]
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...The two of you live together and don't talk? What do you do?
[Honestly taking the two of them into account it is not that much of a surprise to Hange, but honestly they should both be putting in a little more effort!]
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[ He frowns as if the question doesn't make sense. ]
Clean, eat, watch the picture box. One or both of us is often out on missions.
[ Also, you know, Eren sleeps... or pretends to, anyway. ]
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[The two of you need to learn to communicate better, seriously! It's a good thing you've got
momHange here as a translator and intermediary!]Don't you guys ever just hang out together, when not watching your show?
[Hange and Levi hang out all the time and talk about things, though that's been the norm for them for a long time. But when over at their apartment, Hange also likes to spend time with Eren when he's there, asking him about his day, or talking about something funny posted on the network, that kind of thing. Don't you guys do that?]
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Sure. I often see him
doomscrollingon his phone while I make tea.[ That he then doesn't get any of because in this point in the timeline, Eren still Doesn't Deserve Tea. That will be a whole milestone after he blows up at Jean for dying, though. Anyway. Being vaguely in each other's field of vision counts as hanging out, right? ]
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[What is going on over there when Hange isn't visiting....]
Such as what he's looking at on the phone... or his plans for the day... you know?
[Hange is beginning to feel as though they know the answer to that....]
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We do talk about his day. He tells me he didn't get into a fight, and I say "good".
[ SUCH RICH CONVERSATIONS, TRULY. ]
I also tell him if he needs to redo the floor, but that's rare. He's actually pretty good at it.
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[Seriously, how boring. You guys really have nothing else to talk about??]
Ah, but it was his apartment first, right? I'm shocked he hasn't asked you to leave.
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[ MAYBE HE ENJOYS LEVI'S COMPANY!! TAKE THAT, HANGE. ]
[ Unless... hm. He doesn't think the current Eren is still so afraid of him that he wouldn't dare to ask him to leave, but then, it's not like he's telling him much, is it? ]
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[That last response was starting to sound a little defensive, which fair enough, but Hange was just being Hange and not trying to turn this into a real fight.]
You know he always looked up to you. I just think there might be things he'll tell you that he won't tell me? I don't know..
[To Hange, and the few conversations they have had, it really feels as though Eren has a lot to say, he just doesn't know how to say it.]
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[ Honestly, right now, he's not sure if he wants to. As much as he's still fond of Eren, the vicious boy he had under his wing for several years, as much as he wants to believe this Eren saying he wanted to choose differently, the doubt is still there. The devastation is still there, and so are the corpses. He still did what he did. He would still, most likely, do it again. Levi will never accept or understand that, and while he's able to extend a fragile trust here while he can ignore that part of the narrative, there's always the risk of finding out more that he doesn't like. ]
[ He could take it, of course, but does he have to? ]
[ (Joke's on him. They're going to get to know each other a whole lot better in just a few weeks, while melded into a PacRim mecha. And it's actually going to make them get along better, just a little bit. But he doesn't know that yet.) ]
[ He pauses momentarily and stares at the foamy dishes in his hands. The sound he makes might be something of a huff, or something of a snort, but it sounds more sad than amused. ]
[ Yeah. He knows. Lots of people have looked up to him. ]
[ It got practically all of them killed. ]
He should find a better role model then.
[ The whole hero thing was just Erwin's PR. He doesn't know why it stuck this long. He'd done his best, sure, but he doesn't believe he could've fooled this many people. ]
[ He turns the water on to start rinsing. ]
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[That response was unexpected, honestly. Why shouldn't Eren look up to him? What's Levi's angle here?]
Why? I think you've done just fine. [Okay that sounded a little lackluster] More than fine! It's not like anybody made all those kids look up to you. Or anyone else!
[Hange shuffles to the other end of the sofa, so they are able to get a better view of Levi stood over the sink and attempting to take as good luck at whatever expression he is wearing at this time.]
...Even I was inspired the first time we met! Do you remember? [DO you need a pep talk? Is that it?]
oops emotional trauma time
[ You know what, he doesn't want to be having this conversation. But yes. He's actually holding himself responsible for what happened just as much as Hange is, because clearly, they had failed that kid somewhere on the way. ]
...Forget it.
[ As usual, his expression isn't saying much... but Hange can probably figure out what's on his mind anyway. ]
[ It lightens slightly at the memory, but then his frown darkens, because while that moment might be happy, it ties in to some of the worst moments of his life. ]
Yeah. You were loud and annoying and I wanted to sleep.
[ Like he would have actually slept anyway-- ]
[ And Furlan and Isabel were still alive. They looked up to him too, at least Isabel did. Furlan had enough of a head on his shoulders to call out Levi's shit instead. But they both trusted him, and he'd let them down too. ]
[ He just lets down everyone, doesn't he? He'd thought for a moment that maybe that wasn't the case, when he finally found out the real reason Kenny had left, but then shit just kept happening. The amount of things he'd managed to do right is hilariously miniscule, isn't it?.. ]
wouldn't be a veterens thread without it :c
[And while the expression isn't that telling either, they can take a good guess as to what is on his mind. They frequently have the same thoughts after all, that nothing they did was good enough, if only they did something differently, did better, then maybe those kids wouldn't look as though they were in misery every single day.]
...The plate is going to break if you scrub it any harder, you know.
[Hopefully it is enough to pull him from those spiraling thoughts, whatever seems to be going through his head in the moment. Perhaps it would be better to take the hint and drop the subject, but Levi has always been good at pulling Hange out of a slump in his own way, so he deserves to receive the same in return, right?]
Maybe things didn't go as we hoped, but that doesn't mean that we didn't try our best. And if people needed someone to look up to, I don't know if I could pick a better person. [Of course there was Erwin too... but right now this ain't about him.]
I mean, I probably would have been killed years ago if you weren't around! And there's been plenty of fights that none of us would have gotten through if you weren't there.. not to mention everything we did in those past few years.
[But it isn't all about combat abilities]
I had to take over Erwin's role and that meant shoving a lot of extra responsibilities on you in turn, so you'll just have to forgive me for that. But you always handled it well, probably more than I did let's face it. I don't think there was a better role model, and you can't blame yourself for everything Eren did any more than I can.
[Hange wonders if Levi even really knows just how much they relied upon him, and howe much admiration they've always had for him.]
To me, you've always been the coolest! And as Commander, I'm not letting you think otherwise! You wanna be in trouble for insubordination?
[Nothing like a little lighthearted bickering to improve the situation, right?]
well if you insist, 1/3
[ Their best wasn't enough. That was the problem. ]
[ He shrugs half-heartedly as he works on the next plate. ]
I'm good at killing. [ And probably little else. ] It just happened to be what you needed at the time.
[ "You" here being broader. Hange, Erwin, the Survey Corps. It was never a secret why they seeked him out, why they gave him that chance. And he jumped on it. And he almost bought into that whole "hero" thing until he found out he'd still been cutting up (former) humans the entire time. That had been... something of a shock. At least he still had the brats and two friends left back then. ]
[ This time the way he tenses is less obvious; rather than nearly break a plate, his hands move the sponge more slowly until it comes to a halt once Erwin's name is mentioned. He sighs, pulls off the gloves and limps back to the couch, sitting on the other end from Hange. He looks ahead, rather than at them, frowning slightly, as if bracing himself for whatever he's about to say. ]
...I'm sorry about that, by the way. [ They've spoken about it before, probably. Has he ever actually mustered the courage to apologize with words, though? Quite possibly not. It had been too fresh, too painful, and then there was just too many things going on, and then they left him. ] I didn't even stop to consider that I was making the choice for you, too.
[ There had been no time. And it's not like it would have ultimately changed anything. He'd been thinking about the brats, about Floch's expression of disdain, but mainly, he was thinking about Erwin. What he would have wanted him to do. How utterly shattered he was when he poured his heart out to Levi on that box. (How much more it would have broken him if he had lived to be known as the Commander who threw 198 scouts into certain death at once, more and more people thoughtlessly boxing him into the mold of the devil that had always been too small.) How relieved he had looked when Levi allowed him to die with his ideals and how peaceful when he watched him do just that. ]
[ It would not have changed his decision, but perhaps if it had at least crossed his mind what it meant for Hange, it would feel less like he'd just made a mess of feelings and dumped the result in their lap. But that's what he did, wasn't it? ]
I thought I could do something selfless, but in the end it was just a different kind of selfish.
[ That sure was a lot of words, huh? He doesn't feel particularly lighter, but he just wants Hange to understand. They had rightfully pointed out the logical flaws back then, but never brought it up since. But did they get him, or simply choose to accept it because there was nothing else to do? He doesn't know. He can't know. He just knows he had to acknowledge it at some point, the way he'd turned their life upside down, even if it was the only way forward. ]
[ They probably don't want his guilt, but he just wants to be sure they know he does care. ]
[ Speaking of which... ]
2/2
[ But he can, can't he? Because it's thanks to him that Hange ended up responsible for the entire goddamn island. It was just too much for one person. If they had the freedom to only mind Eren, they might have figured something out with that brilliant brain of theirs. ]
...no. [ Not everything. ] He's responsible for his own actions.
[ But he can't help but still wonder. Turn it over in his head, play back actions and words, looking and deconstructing anything, everything that might have contributed to the death of the world. He finds plenty of such instances. Perhaps most of them have nothing to do with it, but there's still some that might. ]
[ Isn't it the same for you, Hange? ]
But I was supposed to keep him in check.
[ Even if in the end, his orders had clashed with that, putting him way too far to be able to do anything. And to guard fucking Zeke, of all people. They should have had that bastard eaten the moment he set foot on Paradisian soil. ]
[ Maybe it's why he's still so insistent to stay near him now, while still keeping him at a distance. Still trying to figure out the why, because if he does, maybe it will give him a little peace of mind, maybe let him put some appropriately miniscule amount of trust in Eren again. ]
3/3 attack on sarah's inbox complete,
Huh? You want to write me up -- to yourself -- for what I think. That's bullshit.
that was a multi-hit attack gd 1/2
That changed over time, when their concept of the entire world changed, when the Survey Corps was decimated right down to two superior officers and the teens who survived Shiganshina alongside them. They began to accrue more members over the months and years, some from the fresh waves of recruits but mostly transfers from the Garrison regiment when there wasn't much of a need to protect the walls any longer, but that brought about with it a whole other host of struggles.
Keeping an island safe from apparently the world while trying to rebuild the survey corps from the ground up was too much for two people let a lone one, but they did the best they could. Levi never complained about all the work that Hange dumped at his feet because of it, and nor did they really expect him too because he loved the scouts just as much as Hange did, loves the scouts just as much as Hange does, but now they are beginning to wonder.. did he also silently acknowledge it because of guilt?]
It wasn't your fault, Levi. It wasn't as though it was an on-the-spot decision, I had known for a while that if anything happened to Erwin, he expected me to take over.
[It feels almost surreal, saying his name after so long. It's not as though they frequently reminisced, the pain still too raw and the situation of the world much too dire to spend time talking about the glory days.]
Rising in rank showed how long you survived, right? It was always the Scout's way, receiving a new position thanks to the deaths of many of our fellow soldiers. When we accepted those roles we were also responsible for carrying on the wills of our comrades through our actions..
[If Hange thought about it hard they would remember a similar conversation from many years ago and telling Nanaba more or less the same thing, that their promotions were built upon the shadows of their friends.]
At the time I said Erwin was the better choice, but knowing what we do know and everything that happened with Eren, could we be certain that it would have been?
[Erwin's experience and leadership would have proved invaluable when it came to rebuilding their ranks. Maybe he could have prevented things from getting so far. Maybe he seriously could have led peace talks with the outside.]
[Or maybe not having Armin there would send Eren off the deep end far sooner. And if things did once again reach the point of no return, could they have stopped the Rumbling at all? There are simply far too many unknowns.]
Debating the outcome now won't bring us any relief. He would have accepted it if that's how it had turned out, but it would have been selfish of us to bring him back into that hell, right?
[Sending so many troops to their inevitable deaths, destroying not only them but all of their families back within the walls, how could you live with that guilt? Hange had killed their fair share of scouts once the Yaegerists took over, but it was not a victorious defeat of enemy forces, there was nothing to be found there but guilt and shame. Erwin may have found the answers that he had always longed for, but would he have even been happy with the results? Knowing there is a whole world out there waiting to turn its weapons against you?]
2/3 i guess i'm not done
3/3 counter attack complete
1/2
2/2
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fin