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un: hange
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well if you insist, 1/3

[wingbound]

[ He tenses as the point out the obvious, then forces his hands to relax, rinsing the plate off and putting it to dry off on the dish rack. ]

[ Their best wasn't enough. That was the problem. ]

[ He shrugs half-heartedly as he works on the next plate. ]

I'm good at killing. [ And probably little else. ] It just happened to be what you needed at the time.

[ "You" here being broader. Hange, Erwin, the Survey Corps. It was never a secret why they seeked him out, why they gave him that chance. And he jumped on it. And he almost bought into that whole "hero" thing until he found out he'd still been cutting up (former) humans the entire time. That had been... something of a shock. At least he still had the brats and two friends left back then. ]

[ This time the way he tenses is less obvious; rather than nearly break a plate, his hands move the sponge more slowly until it comes to a halt once Erwin's name is mentioned. He sighs, pulls off the gloves and limps back to the couch, sitting on the other end from Hange. He looks ahead, rather than at them, frowning slightly, as if bracing himself for whatever he's about to say. ]

...I'm sorry about that, by the way. [ They've spoken about it before, probably. Has he ever actually mustered the courage to apologize with words, though? Quite possibly not. It had been too fresh, too painful, and then there was just too many things going on, and then they left him. ] I didn't even stop to consider that I was making the choice for you, too.

[ There had been no time. And it's not like it would have ultimately changed anything. He'd been thinking about the brats, about Floch's expression of disdain, but mainly, he was thinking about Erwin. What he would have wanted him to do. How utterly shattered he was when he poured his heart out to Levi on that box. (How much more it would have broken him if he had lived to be known as the Commander who threw 198 scouts into certain death at once, more and more people thoughtlessly boxing him into the mold of the devil that had always been too small.) How relieved he had looked when Levi allowed him to die with his ideals and how peaceful when he watched him do just that. ]

[ It would not have changed his decision, but perhaps if it had at least crossed his mind what it meant for Hange, it would feel less like he'd just made a mess of feelings and dumped the result in their lap. But that's what he did, wasn't it? ]

I thought I could do something selfless, but in the end it was just a different kind of selfish.

[ That sure was a lot of words, huh? He doesn't feel particularly lighter, but he just wants Hange to understand. They had rightfully pointed out the logical flaws back then, but never brought it up since. But did they get him, or simply choose to accept it because there was nothing else to do? He doesn't know. He can't know. He just knows he had to acknowledge it at some point, the way he'd turned their life upside down, even if it was the only way forward. ]

[ They probably don't want his guilt, but he just wants to be sure they know he does care. ]

[ Speaking of which... ]