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well if you insist, 1/3

Date: 2023-06-23 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ He tenses as the point out the obvious, then forces his hands to relax, rinsing the plate off and putting it to dry off on the dish rack. ]

[ Their best wasn't enough. That was the problem. ]

[ He shrugs half-heartedly as he works on the next plate. ]


I'm good at killing. [ And probably little else. ] It just happened to be what you needed at the time.

[ "You" here being broader. Hange, Erwin, the Survey Corps. It was never a secret why they seeked him out, why they gave him that chance. And he jumped on it. And he almost bought into that whole "hero" thing until he found out he'd still been cutting up (former) humans the entire time. That had been... something of a shock. At least he still had the brats and two friends left back then. ]

[ This time the way he tenses is less obvious; rather than nearly break a plate, his hands move the sponge more slowly until it comes to a halt once Erwin's name is mentioned. He sighs, pulls off the gloves and limps back to the couch, sitting on the other end from Hange. He looks ahead, rather than at them, frowning slightly, as if bracing himself for whatever he's about to say. ]


...I'm sorry about that, by the way. [ They've spoken about it before, probably. Has he ever actually mustered the courage to apologize with words, though? Quite possibly not. It had been too fresh, too painful, and then there was just too many things going on, and then they left him. ] I didn't even stop to consider that I was making the choice for you, too.

[ There had been no time. And it's not like it would have ultimately changed anything. He'd been thinking about the brats, about Floch's expression of disdain, but mainly, he was thinking about Erwin. What he would have wanted him to do. How utterly shattered he was when he poured his heart out to Levi on that box. (How much more it would have broken him if he had lived to be known as the Commander who threw 198 scouts into certain death at once, more and more people thoughtlessly boxing him into the mold of the devil that had always been too small.) How relieved he had looked when Levi allowed him to die with his ideals and how peaceful when he watched him do just that. ]

[ It would not have changed his decision, but perhaps if it had at least crossed his mind what it meant for Hange, it would feel less like he'd just made a mess of feelings and dumped the result in their lap. But that's what he did, wasn't it? ]


I thought I could do something selfless, but in the end it was just a different kind of selfish.

[ That sure was a lot of words, huh? He doesn't feel particularly lighter, but he just wants Hange to understand. They had rightfully pointed out the logical flaws back then, but never brought it up since. But did they get him, or simply choose to accept it because there was nothing else to do? He doesn't know. He can't know. He just knows he had to acknowledge it at some point, the way he'd turned their life upside down, even if it was the only way forward. ]

[ They probably don't want his guilt, but he just wants to be sure they know he does care. ]

[ Speaking of which... ]

2/2

Date: 2023-06-23 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ You can't blame yourself for everything Eren did any more than I can. ]

[ But he can, can't he? Because it's thanks to him that Hange ended up responsible for the entire goddamn island. It was just too much for one person. If they had the freedom to only mind Eren, they might have figured something out with that brilliant brain of theirs. ]


...no. [ Not everything. ] He's responsible for his own actions.

[ But he can't help but still wonder. Turn it over in his head, play back actions and words, looking and deconstructing anything, everything that might have contributed to the death of the world. He finds plenty of such instances. Perhaps most of them have nothing to do with it, but there's still some that might. ]

[ Isn't it the same for you, Hange? ]


But I was supposed to keep him in check.

[ Even if in the end, his orders had clashed with that, putting him way too far to be able to do anything. And to guard fucking Zeke, of all people. They should have had that bastard eaten the moment he set foot on Paradisian soil. ]

[ Maybe it's why he's still so insistent to stay near him now, while still keeping him at a distance. Still trying to figure out the why, because if he does, maybe it will give him a little peace of mind, maybe let him put some appropriately miniscule amount of trust in Eren again. ]

3/3 attack on sarah's inbox complete,

Date: 2023-06-23 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ That little insubordination joke hits him so out of left field that he just stares at them for a moment, but... it worked, it seems? He's been shocked out of his self-hate spiral, at least, it looks like. ]

Huh? You want to write me up -- to yourself -- for what I think. That's bullshit.

1/2

Date: 2023-06-24 04:25 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ Maybe he did. Guilt is a funny thing; there's never a shortage of it around these parts. ]

[ It killed you, he thinks. It killed him and it also killed you. In a way, I did. But he doesn't say it. They're right, too. It would have happened sooner or later. The timing of it was just... unlucky. ]

[ That and the sheer weight of the wills they were meant to carry on that just became too many, too soon. Anybody could've buckled under that. It's a surprise they both did as well as they have, all things considered. It's easy to think of different paths when looking back, which is why he does his best not to do it, ever. But once all the fighting was done and over, what else was left there to do?.. ]

[ The better choice and the right choice isn't always the same, is it?.. ]

[ He shakes his head slightly, still not agreeing with them, but he can't exactly disagree, either. It's... complicated. Everything that went through his head at the time, everything contributing to his decision. ]


You really think I'd live regret-free if I'd killed the kid instead?

[ A rhetorical question, of course. He made the choice, and he would make the same one if he had to do it again. He had accepted that it was the path of less regret; it's just that both of them still had a fair bunch. ]

[ Erwin would have loved the world, he thinks, at least if he had lived to really see it. But there's no doubt in his mind that he would have chosen the same way if he was able to make that decision. Everything was just too heavy at that point. All of their time was coming to an end; Levi had just clung on more stubbornly than the rest, it seems. ]

[ The kids had what it took to take the torch in the end. That's what matters. ]


...yeah. It would have.

[ He wanted to do it, he really did, but he couldn't do that to him. Not after all those deaths. Not after he had finally found peace. Not after he got the front row seat to a demonstration of what awaited him. Ironic, really, how Floch had really pushed him toward the decision he later ridiculed himself. ]

[ But Hange is right, of course. Talking about it isn't going to change shit. It just... made it feel lighter, a little bit. It made him feel like maybe after all this time, they finally understood, at least a little, judging from their words. ]

[ And then it's his turn to stop them, because while it's easy to rag on it now, it really was a sound plan with the information they had available. Far as they knew, the safest thing was to keep Zeke and Eren apart, and who else was there that Hange could trust with something that important? ]


You couldn't have known. [ He says, a little more firmly, finally managing to glance their way. It's still a painful memory, but any regrets he may feel about it too do still stem from that day in Shiganshina; the first time he'd failed to kill Zeke. Everything could have been averted if he'd just done that, if he hadn't paused to think about who he could possibly still save. ] It was a sound decision with the information we had at the time.

[ If he doesn't get to beat himself up now that he's retired and free to do so, neither do they. ]

2/2

Date: 2023-06-24 04:25 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ So he meets that sigh with one of his own, though it's much shorter, maybe more of a huff even. His expression looks somewhat lighter. ]

Then neither can you.

Date: 2023-06-26 08:57 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ That's not fair, he could say, but when has anything ever been? And they're right, of course. Whether they actually had anything to do with it or not, all of the shit was their responsibility at that point. Hell, the higher-ups even made them explain Liberio, as if it was somehow orchestrated by the corps. ]

[ One huge shitshow, all in all. Good thing they don't have to be the Commander here, huh? ]

[ He rolls his eyes and drags a hand through his hair in apparent annoyance. ]


Ugh.

[ Is all Hange is getting for their mutiny theories. ]

Date: 2023-06-26 10:18 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
There's nothing "weird" about it.

[ Grumbling, because what are you even talking about, Hange. You of all people have no right to even use the word "weird", honestly. ]

...that would be for the best.

[ Doing it together, he means. So they can salvage it whenever he inevitably says something "inappropriate" again. ]

[ He'll just... spend the rest of the time until then here. Yeah. That sounds good too. ]

Date: 2023-06-26 01:19 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ Unfortunately, Levi doesn't read into the hidden meaning there, or he would have nipped them in the bud before they blossom into whatever the fuck happens hours later. Still, the fact that he doesn't talk to Eren as much as he does to Hange has nothing to do with each other. ]

...It's not the same thing.

[ Hell, he didn't talk to any of the kids that much, and then Eren had the whole destroying the world thing hanging over his head on top of it that Levi still hadn't settled with, even if he abstained from hitting him any more times since their initial reunion. The dynamic just wasn't the same. He cared about them a lot, yes, but he was their superior, he was responsible for them. It's different from having someone who is -- or used to be -- your peer, more of an equal. An actual friend. Someone he doesn't need to shield from the truth or themselves or whatever else. ]

[ Then they bring up tea and all is right in the world again. ]


As long as it's not the bagged shit from the grocery store. It tastes like socks.

[ "Yes, please"? ]

Date: 2023-06-29 11:50 am (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
If he doesn't want to talk, I'm not going to force him.

[ It's... probably not dangerous here? He thinks so, at least. And while it's true that there's the possibility that Eren does want to talk but holds himself back out of some misguided guilt or self hatred or whatever, Levi would rather let him go at it in his own pace, whatever it is. ]

[ But while Levi might not talk to everyone here as much as Hange does, that doesn't mean he doesn't keep tabs on them. It doesn't mean he wouldn't step up if he deemed it necessary, or one of them was in trouble. His own care is just... a little more detached, perhaps, a little more emotional distance, even though he's aware it's moot at this point because the damn brats already got under his skin. ]

[ And that's why it was -- would be -- so painful to lose any of them. ]


...yeah.

[ He doesn't know if his judgement should be trusted anymore. He's made some bad calls in recent times, more than he has throughout his whole life. Maybe he was losing his touch, or maybe the times had just changed so much he got left behind with his ideals and assumptions about life. ]

[ But he trusts Hange's judgement. If they think he's fit for this, then he will be. Co-parenting efforts indeed. ]

[ He huffs quietly, feeling the compulsion to be somewhat offended for old times sake but at the same time finding that he genuinely doesn't care that much, not after living through a time when he wasn't going to hear Hange's extensive babbling or have them pilfer his supplies ever again. It's all so small now when compared to that. ]


Stole it, you mean.

[ It's fine. He can buy so much tea now and this just means he has something acceptable at Hange's too. Of course he can't just tell them it's okay, though. ]

Date: 2023-07-01 07:00 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
Uh-huh. [ He may sound unconvinced, but he doesn't even care. He can replace tea himself. He can't replace Hange. ]

[ The silence is almost too comfortable, honestly, and his eyes are practically starting to close by the time they speak again, jolting him back fully into the waking world. ]

[ Where-- right. He straightens up a little, scooting further up the couch again where he had slipped into a comfortable slouch while Hange was preparing the water. ]


...Just tea is fine.

[ He should probably be eating something that isn't tea, but oh well. ]

Date: 2023-07-01 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ Levi does want the tea, so he does his best to stay awake, and he'd probably manage that too if not for the toast side quest. Unfortunately, those few extra minutes seem to make all of the difference... ]

[ Hange finds him sitting on the couch, arms folded and heels dug into the carpet, his head bowed forward slightly, breaths even. ]

[ He probably would be upset at missing tea, though. Maybe Hange should wake him up for that. Then again, there's probably some concerning implications here considering how quickly and easily he seems to nod off when it's just the two of them together, almost as if he hadn't slept a wink in the weeks prior, so perhaps it's best to leave him be... ]

fin

Date: 2023-07-01 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] wingbound
[ A couple hours is about how much he usually sleeps, so he might actually wake up by himself eventually... he'd better still get some tea before they leave for the training, though, or he's going to be very upset. ]
Edited Date: 2023-07-01 10:50 pm (UTC)

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