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From:

[The gloves are still there! So is a clean kitchen sponge, sitting nicely it its little bed.]

...The two of you live together and don't talk? What do you do?

[Honestly taking the two of them into account it is not that much of a surprise to Hange, but honestly they should both be putting in a little more effort!]

From:

wingbound

[ Jaksjdhs speaking of things that they definitely did not need to buy... ]

[ He frowns as if the question doesn't make sense. ]

Clean, eat, watch the picture box. One or both of us is often out on missions.

[ Also, you know, Eren sleeps... or pretends to, anyway. ]

From:

titanscience

No wonder he doesn't tell you things..

[The two of you need to learn to communicate better, seriously! It's a good thing you've got ~~mom~~ Hange here as a translator and intermediary!]

Don't you guys ever just hang out together, when not watching your show?

[Hange and Levi hang out all the time and talk about things, though that's been the norm for them for a long time. But when over at their apartment, Hange also likes to spend time with Eren when he's there, asking him about his day, or talking about something funny posted on the network, that kind of thing. Don't you guys do that?]

From:

wingbound

[ And he scowls because he doesn't understand what it has to do with Eren not telling him things? Please explain. ]

Sure. I often see him ~~doomscrolling~~ on his phone while I make tea.

[ That he then doesn't get any of because in this point in the timeline, Eren still Doesn't Deserve Tea. That will be a whole milestone after he blows up at Jean for dying, though. Anyway. Being vaguely in each other's field of vision counts as hanging out, right? ]

From:

titanscience

...Do the two of you actually talk? About anything?

[What is going on over there when Hange isn't visiting....]

Such as what he's looking at on the phone... or his plans for the day... you know?

[Hange is beginning to feel as though they know the answer to that....]

From:

wingbound

[ They don't have that 11/10 score on intelligence for no reason, looks like! :) ]

We do talk about his day. He tells me he didn't get into a fight, and I say "good".

[ SUCH RICH CONVERSATIONS, TRULY. ]

I also tell him if he needs to redo the floor, but that's rare. He's actually pretty good at it.

From:

titanscience

Wow. How positively boring. I'm surprised he hasn't moved out already.

[Seriously, how boring. You guys really have nothing else to talk about??]

Ah, but it was his apartment first, right? I'm shocked he hasn't asked you to leave.

From:

wingbound

I'm not holding him hostage. [ Except he... kind of is. What with the whole "keeping an eye on him" thing. ] If he wanted to leave, he would have.

[ MAYBE HE ENJOYS LEVI'S COMPANY!! TAKE THAT, HANGE. ]

[ Unless... hm. He doesn't think the current Eren is still so afraid of him that he wouldn't dare to ask him to leave, but then, it's not like he's telling him much, is it? ]

Edited Date: 2023-06-19 10:27 am (UTC)

From:

titanscience

All I'm saying is, don't you think both of you are wasting a good opportunity to get to know each other better?

[That last response was starting to sound a little defensive, which fair enough, but Hange was just being Hange and not trying to turn this into a real fight.]

You know he always looked up to you. I just think there might be things he'll tell you that he won't tell me? I don't know..

[To Hange, and the few conversations they have had, it really feels as though Eren has a lot to say, he just doesn't know how to say it.]

From:

wingbound

...

[ Honestly, right now, he's not sure if he wants to. As much as he's still fond of Eren, the vicious boy he had under his wing for several years, as much as he wants to believe this Eren saying he wanted to choose differently, the doubt is still there. The devastation is still there, and so are the corpses. He still did what he did. He would still, most likely, do it again. Levi will never accept or understand that, and while he's able to extend a fragile trust here while he can ignore that part of the narrative, there's always the risk of finding out more that he doesn't like. ]

[ He could take it, of course, but does he have to? ]

[ (Joke's on him. They're going to get to know each other a whole lot better in just a few weeks, while melded into a PacRim mecha. And it's actually going to make them get along better, just a little bit. But he doesn't know that yet.) ]

[ He pauses momentarily and stares at the foamy dishes in his hands. The sound he makes might be something of a huff, or something of a snort, but it sounds more sad than amused. ]

[ Yeah. He knows. Lots of people have looked up to him. ]

[ It got practically all of them killed. ]

He should find a better role model then.

[ The whole hero thing was just Erwin's PR. He doesn't know why it stuck this long. He'd done his best, sure, but he doesn't believe he could've fooled this many people. ]

[ He turns the water on to start rinsing. ]

From:

titanscience

Huh...?

[That response was unexpected, honestly. Why shouldn't Eren look up to him? What's Levi's angle here?]

Why? I think you've done just fine. [Okay that sounded a little lackluster] More than fine! It's not like anybody made all those kids look up to you. Or anyone else!

[Hange shuffles to the other end of the sofa, so they are able to get a better view of Levi stood over the sink and attempting to take as good luck at whatever expression he is wearing at this time.]

...Even I was inspired the first time we met! Do you remember? [DO you need a pep talk? Is that it?]

From:

wingbound

Fine? [ There's the tiniest pause before he scrubs the plate harder. ] If I had done fine--

[ You know what, he doesn't want to be having this conversation. But yes. He's actually holding himself responsible for what happened just as much as Hange is, because clearly, they had failed that kid somewhere on the way. ]

...Forget it.

[ As usual, his expression isn't saying much... but Hange can probably figure out what's on his mind anyway. ]

[ It lightens slightly at the memory, but then his frown darkens, because while that moment might be happy, it ties in to some of the worst moments of his life. ]

Yeah. You were loud and annoying and I wanted to sleep.

[ Like he would have actually slept anyway-- ]

[ And Furlan and Isabel were still alive. They looked up to him too, at least Isabel did. Furlan had enough of a head on his shoulders to call out Levi's shit instead. But they both trusted him, and he'd let them down too. ]

[ He just lets down everyone, doesn't he? He'd thought for a moment that maybe that wasn't the case, when he finally found out the real reason Kenny had left, but then shit just kept happening. The amount of things he'd managed to do right is hilariously miniscule, isn't it?.. ]

Edited Date: 2023-06-20 12:51 pm (UTC)

From:

titanscience

[Hange listens from their spot on the couch, seemingly not surprised when Levi's little outburst gets nipped in the bud before it even begins, opting for dismissal instead of venting the thoughts on his mind.]

[And while the expression isn't that telling either, they can take a good guess as to what is on his mind. They frequently have the same thoughts after all, that nothing they did was good enough, if only they did something differently, did better, then maybe those kids wouldn't look as though they were in misery every single day.]

...The plate is going to break if you scrub it any harder, you know.

[Hopefully it is enough to pull him from those spiraling thoughts, whatever seems to be going through his head in the moment. Perhaps it would be better to take the hint and drop the subject, but Levi has always been good at pulling Hange out of a slump in his own way, so he deserves to receive the same in return, right?]

Maybe things didn't go as we hoped, but that doesn't mean that we didn't try our best. And if people needed someone to look up to, I don't know if I could pick a better person. [Of course there was Erwin too... but right now this ain't about him.]

I mean, I probably would have been killed years ago if you weren't around! And there's been plenty of fights that none of us would have gotten through if you weren't there.. not to mention everything we did in those past few years.

[But it isn't all about combat abilities]

I had to take over Erwin's role and that meant shoving a lot of extra responsibilities on you in turn, so you'll just have to forgive me for that. But you always handled it well, probably more than I did let's face it. I don't think there was a better role model, and you can't blame yourself for everything Eren did any more than I can.

[Hange wonders if Levi even really knows just how much they relied upon him, and howe much admiration they've always had for him.]

To me, you've always been the coolest! And as Commander, I'm not letting you think otherwise! You wanna be in trouble for insubordination?

[Nothing like a little lighthearted bickering to improve the situation, right?]

From:

wingbound

[ He tenses as the point out the obvious, then forces his hands to relax, rinsing the plate off and putting it to dry off on the dish rack. ]

[ Their best wasn't enough. That was the problem. ]

[ He shrugs half-heartedly as he works on the next plate. ]

I'm good at killing. [ And probably little else. ] It just happened to be what you needed at the time.

[ "You" here being broader. Hange, Erwin, the Survey Corps. It was never a secret why they seeked him out, why they gave him that chance. And he jumped on it. And he almost bought into that whole "hero" thing until he found out he'd still been cutting up (former) humans the entire time. That had been... something of a shock. At least he still had the brats and two friends left back then. ]

[ This time the way he tenses is less obvious; rather than nearly break a plate, his hands move the sponge more slowly until it comes to a halt once Erwin's name is mentioned. He sighs, pulls off the gloves and limps back to the couch, sitting on the other end from Hange. He looks ahead, rather than at them, frowning slightly, as if bracing himself for whatever he's about to say. ]

...I'm sorry about that, by the way. [ They've spoken about it before, probably. Has he ever actually mustered the courage to apologize with words, though? Quite possibly not. It had been too fresh, too painful, and then there was just too many things going on, and then they left him. ] I didn't even stop to consider that I was making the choice for you, too.

[ There had been no time. And it's not like it would have ultimately changed anything. He'd been thinking about the brats, about Floch's expression of disdain, but mainly, he was thinking about Erwin. What he would have wanted him to do. How utterly shattered he was when he poured his heart out to Levi on that box. (How much more it would have broken him if he had lived to be known as the Commander who threw 198 scouts into certain death at once, more and more people thoughtlessly boxing him into the mold of the devil that had always been too small.) How relieved he had looked when Levi allowed him to die with his ideals and how peaceful when he watched him do just that. ]

[ It would not have changed his decision, but perhaps if it had at least crossed his mind what it meant for Hange, it would feel less like he'd just made a mess of feelings and dumped the result in their lap. But that's what he did, wasn't it? ]

I thought I could do something selfless, but in the end it was just a different kind of selfish.

[ That sure was a lot of words, huh? He doesn't feel particularly lighter, but he just wants Hange to understand. They had rightfully pointed out the logical flaws back then, but never brought it up since. But did they get him, or simply choose to accept it because there was nothing else to do? He doesn't know. He can't know. He just knows he had to acknowledge it at some point, the way he'd turned their life upside down, even if it was the only way forward. ]

[ They probably don't want his guilt, but he just wants to be sure they know he does care. ]

[ Speaking of which... ]

From:

wingbound

[ You can't blame yourself for everything Eren did any more than I can. ]

[ But he can, can't he? Because it's thanks to him that Hange ended up responsible for the entire goddamn island. It was just too much for one person. If they had the freedom to only mind Eren, they might have figured something out with that brilliant brain of theirs. ]

...no. [ Not everything. ] He's responsible for his own actions.

[ But he can't help but still wonder. Turn it over in his head, play back actions and words, looking and deconstructing anything, everything that might have contributed to the death of the world. He finds plenty of such instances. Perhaps most of them have nothing to do with it, but there's still some that might. ]

[ Isn't it the same for you, Hange? ]

But I was supposed to keep him in check.

[ Even if in the end, his orders had clashed with that, putting him way too far to be able to do anything. And to guard fucking Zeke, of all people. They should have had that bastard eaten the moment he set foot on Paradisian soil. ]

[ Maybe it's why he's still so insistent to stay near him now, while still keeping him at a distance. Still trying to figure out the why, because if he does, maybe it will give him a little peace of mind, maybe let him put some appropriately miniscule amount of trust in Eren again. ]

From:

wingbound

[ That little insubordination joke hits him so out of left field that he just stares at them for a moment, but... it worked, it seems? He's been shocked out of his self-hate spiral, at least, it looks like. ]

Huh? You want to write me up -- to yourself -- for what I think. That's bullshit.

From:

titanscience

[Levi returns to take a seat on the sofa and Hange turns slightly to face him better. At the first response they do not say anything in return, for what is there to say? Levi was humanity's strongest, it goes without saying that he excelled at slaughtering Titans. It is what the scouts needed from him.

That changed over time, when their concept of the entire world changed, when the Survey Corps was decimated right down to two superior officers and the teens who survived Shiganshina alongside them. They began to accrue more members over the months and years, some from the fresh waves of recruits but mostly transfers from the Garrison regiment when there wasn't much of a need to protect the walls any longer, but that brought about with it a whole other host of struggles.

Keeping an island safe from apparently the world while trying to rebuild the survey corps from the ground up was too much for two people let a lone one, but they did the best they could. Levi never complained about all the work that Hange dumped at his feet because of it, and nor did they really expect him too because he loved the scouts just as much as Hange did, loves the scouts just as much as Hange does, but now they are beginning to wonder.. did he also silently acknowledge it because of guilt?]

It wasn't your fault, Levi. It wasn't as though it was an on-the-spot decision, I had known for a while that if anything happened to Erwin, he expected me to take over.

[It feels almost surreal, saying his name after so long. It's not as though they frequently reminisced, the pain still too raw and the situation of the world much too dire to spend time talking about the glory days.]

Rising in rank showed how long you survived, right? It was always the Scout's way, receiving a new position thanks to the deaths of many of our fellow soldiers. When we accepted those roles we were also responsible for carrying on the wills of our comrades through our actions..

[If Hange thought about it hard they would remember a similar conversation from many years ago and telling Nanaba more or less the same thing, that their promotions were built upon the shadows of their friends.]

At the time I said Erwin was the better choice, but knowing what we do know and everything that happened with Eren, could we be certain that it would have been?

[Erwin's experience and leadership would have proved invaluable when it came to rebuilding their ranks. Maybe he could have prevented things from getting so far. Maybe he seriously could have led peace talks with the outside.]

[Or maybe not having Armin there would send Eren off the deep end far sooner. And if things did once again reach the point of no return, could they have stopped the Rumbling at all? There are simply far too many unknowns.]

Debating the outcome now won't bring us any relief. He would have accepted it if that's how it had turned out, but it would have been selfish of us to bring him back into that hell, right?

[Sending so many troops to their inevitable deaths, destroying not only them but all of their families back within the walls, how could you live with that guilt? Hange had killed their fair share of scouts once the Yaegerists took over, but it was not a victorious defeat of enemy forces, there was nothing to be found there but guilt and shame. Erwin may have found the answers that he had always longed for, but would he have even been happy with the results? Knowing there is a whole world out there waiting to turn its weapons against you?]

From:

titanscience

[Hange has had far too much time to debate the hypotheticals, to weight potential outcomes against others. If they saved Erwin and not Armin. If they'd never taken that trip to Marley and given real human faces to the 'enemy', to see how they could both be so cruel and so kind. If they had only had an inkling as to what Eren was up to, how fiercely protective he was over his homeland and the people he loved (they should have known, he'd been that way ever since the beginning). Replaying moment after moment, line after line, thinking over every last last or action as though one day they would finally have an epiphany that would at least lead them to the correct answer (spoiler, there never was one.)]

[But on one account, there had been one rather clear and grandiose mistake they had made.]

I never should have sent you into the woods with Zeke. Having him far away was meant to be safest for everyone within the walls, and with you watching over him he could be stopped if necessary.

I wonder if he had predicted that outcome.. because inevitably it is what led to our downfall..

[They couldnt' have predicted the wine, but if they'd kept him within the walls they could have disposed of him the moment they discovered the plot. Eren's wishes, the hope for a treaty of some kind, royal blood and founder's powers, none of that would have mattered when weighed against the lives of all their officers who were tainted with spinal fluid. Of course, with the gift of foresight they would have fed him to someone the moment he set boots on their soil...]

From:

titanscience

[Suddenly Hange lets out a huge sigh, realising that this is getting far too depressing!]

Yeah! Don't think I won't do it! I'll get the paper right now!

You can't take blame for any of it. I'm ordering you not to!

From:

wingbound

[ Maybe he did. Guilt is a funny thing; there's never a shortage of it around these parts. ]

[ It killed you, he thinks. It killed him and it also killed you. In a way, I did. But he doesn't say it. They're right, too. It would have happened sooner or later. The timing of it was just... unlucky. ]

[ That and the sheer weight of the wills they were meant to carry on that just became too many, too soon. Anybody could've buckled under that. It's a surprise they both did as well as they have, all things considered. It's easy to think of different paths when looking back, which is why he does his best not to do it, ever. But once all the fighting was done and over, what else was left there to do?.. ]

[ The better choice and the right choice isn't always the same, is it?.. ]

[ He shakes his head slightly, still not agreeing with them, but he can't exactly disagree, either. It's... complicated. Everything that went through his head at the time, everything contributing to his decision. ]

You really think I'd live regret-free if I'd killed the kid instead?

[ A rhetorical question, of course. He made the choice, and he would make the same one if he had to do it again. He had accepted that it was the path of less regret; it's just that both of them still had a fair bunch. ]

[ Erwin would have loved the world, he thinks, at least if he had lived to really see it. But there's no doubt in his mind that he would have chosen the same way if he was able to make that decision. Everything was just too heavy at that point. All of their time was coming to an end; Levi had just clung on more stubbornly than the rest, it seems. ]

[ The kids had what it took to take the torch in the end. That's what matters. ]

...yeah. It would have.

[ He wanted to do it, he really did, but he couldn't do that to him. Not after all those deaths. Not after he had finally found peace. Not after he got the front row seat to a demonstration of what awaited him. Ironic, really, how Floch had really pushed him toward the decision he later ridiculed himself. ]

[ But Hange is right, of course. Talking about it isn't going to change shit. It just... made it feel lighter, a little bit. It made him feel like maybe after all this time, they finally understood, at least a little, judging from their words. ]

[ And then it's his turn to stop them, because while it's easy to rag on it now, it really was a sound plan with the information they had available. Far as they knew, the safest thing was to keep Zeke and Eren apart, and who else was there that Hange could trust with something that important? ]

You couldn't have known. [ He says, a little more firmly, finally managing to glance their way. It's still a painful memory, but any regrets he may feel about it too do still stem from that day in Shiganshina; the first time he'd failed to kill Zeke. Everything could have been averted if he'd just done that, if he hadn't paused to think about who he could possibly still save. ] It was a sound decision with the information we had at the time.

[ If he doesn't get to beat himself up now that he's retired and free to do so, neither do they. ]

From:

wingbound

[ So he meets that sigh with one of his own, though it's much shorter, maybe more of a huff even. His expression looks somewhat lighter. ]

Then neither can you.

From:

titanscience

Oh? But I can. That's the fun thing about the chain of command, isn't it? Ultimately I have to take the blame for everything that happened under my watch.

[Which is true, but maybe they feel directly responsible for the mess with Zeke. True, they couldn't have known, but they have far too much free time now to spend on overthinking these things.]

You can't make me stop. Not unless you plan on usurping me. Are you adding mutiny to your growing list of crimes? Hah!

[Heh.. it should be obvious from their tone of voice and rather amused expression that none of this is serious, just some fond bickering that has become the norm between the two of them.]

From:

wingbound

[ That's not fair, he could say, but when has anything ever been? And they're right, of course. Whether they actually had anything to do with it or not, all of the shit was their responsibility at that point. Hell, the higher-ups even made them explain Liberio, as if it was somehow orchestrated by the corps. ]

[ One huge shitshow, all in all. Good thing they don't have to be the Commander here, huh? ]

[ He rolls his eyes and drags a hand through his hair in apparent annoyance. ]

Ugh.

[ Is all Hange is getting for their mutiny theories. ]

From:

titanscience

That's what I thought.

[Hah. Hange 1: Levi 0, at least in this instance. They only give a slight smile in return, looking rather pleased with themselves.]

....I can't even remember what we were talking about now..

[That conversation sure did devolve into something, didn't it? It actually does take them a moment to backtrack and figure it out. It had been the discussion of role models that set the whole thing off, what was before that? Oh- living with Eren and their communication issues.]

Oh, that's right. It was you and Eren with your weird living arrangements. But you're going to talk to him about staying, right? That's important. We can do it together, later today.

From:

wingbound

There's nothing "weird" about it.

[ Grumbling, because what are you even talking about, Hange. You of all people have no right to even use the word "weird", honestly. ]

...that would be for the best.

[ Doing it together, he means. So they can salvage it whenever he inevitably says something "inappropriate" again. ]

[ He'll just... spend the rest of the time until then here. Yeah. That sounds good too. ]